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The Whole Charade

It's not easy being an Indian bride. But I guess it’s pretty much same for all the brides. The

clothes, the jewellery, the pressure to look the best. Honestly I didn't care about all of those ever, I didn't even care if I ever got married. Naturally, I was overwhelmed. The weekly visits to the parlour, the elders whispering wisdom in my ears, the tailors measuring every inch of my body. Frankly, I felt violated, but you cannot complain, it’s your marriage. You have to bear all that and then some. The end product was better than I hoped for, which means I looked gorgeous. 

No one asked me if I wanted all of that. May be secretly I wanted all of that, maybe I didn't know that I wanted all of it. I didn't complain. I was getting all the attention and the good kind of attention I mean. Don't know what is it with women and being a bride, that makes the glow from the inside. I have seen some hard-core women against marriage, finally giving up. I have been told girl's fancies it. My fantasies were different. I wanted a bright career; make a difference, be somebody. 

I wanted a small wedding, but that seemed farfetched. Being the only daughter of your parent's makes it so much more difficult. You cannot even dream about upsetting your parent's or other family members. Besides what will your in-laws think? In all of these, you are lost, your principles, ideologies, pretty much everything you believed in all these years of growing up. I was told to feel fortunate, because I got all of that many can only imagine and never get. Honestly, I was feeling anything but fortunate. I told my mum and dad to sponsor a wedding for the less fortunate than us, who cannot afford so lavish, instead of me, for I am never going to feel lucky about it and would only hold a grudge against them. Again, I was perceived to be crazy. 

You cannot even dream of sharing the idea with the groom. What if he doesn’t understand, what if they break it off. So I lived through all the ‘what ifs’ and I kept my mouth shut, with my inside screaming for some air. I compromised, but nobody understood that. Everyone thought I should feel lucky to have parents who gave me so much. No one understood that all I wanted was to have a small wedding, no one cared, and I was taken for granted.

I must sound like a spoilt whiner, but my point here is, when will we get to decide what we want? Why is it that everyone’s wishes gets fulfilled during a marriage except for the bride? Why do we have to compromise with our hopes and dreams? 

I remind myself everyday that I am lucky to have such kind parents, who is never gonna listen to me. I hope you get everything you want on your wedding. :) 

How can STRESS damage you.

From last 2 years that I have been married and going through a divorce made me realize the effect stress can have on you. No one understands your situation, they try to give you advice that you are not ready to take. Though their intention is good but the practicality of the advice is questionable.  You find it hard to even get out of bed, let alone follow advice. You cannot sleep properly, or eat. You lose interest in pretty much everything. Often times, you want to be left alone, you do not want to talk. You either stop eating or eat a lot. You ache everywhere.

I started to notice that I didn’t care about how I looked anymore. I hated talking to anyone and even the thought of going out made me want to cry. I would make excuses to stay at home and do nothing. My hair mane started reducing, I started to gain weight, I started avoiding people and functions altogether. I would not get sleep and the little time I slept, I was haunted with nightmares. Talk about an impressive depression. Though I had professional help, I found that medicines made me groggy (I am not advising that you give up on medications though).  I did everything I could to make me better though, but that emptiness would not go away. I wanted to write about my situation but was too damn scared lest I would be marked as a freak.  Indian society does that to you.

I wanted to get away from the situation, often dreamt of the days I was not married but of course, that didn’t help at all. I even started blaming everyone around me for my situation and to keep them at bay. I did this even to my best friend. For 2 whole years, all I did was hang in to the thread called life, without taking a dab of interest in it. Life passed by and I watched. I was too proud to cry. I would not talk to anyone about what was going on inside me. I would not let anyone even predict how helpless I was. I put up a strong front while I was crying inside.

Finally with the divorce settling in, the terms and conditions being agreed upon, I took a breath. I finally talked. Actually not in the talk per se, but I am writing it down. I found the courage to share my condition. I know what stress and depression can do to a person, believe me, I have faced them myself.

I am writing this article to let you know that you are not alone. Others suffer too, just don’t reveal them. It’s not a curse. My request is that please talk to people, your best friend, parents, siblings, anyone. Don’t be like me and shut them out of your life. They are worried about you and they don’t know what they can do to make you feel better.

Another important point is to keep the stress factor out of your life. For me, the stress factor was divorce terms not settling in. For you it can be anything. Identify it and acknowledge that you are depressed. Seek medical help, if needed. You can talk to me as well. I can be reached through Twitter, my handle @candinam.

While you are busy doing everything you can to fight this, remember to breath. It’s okay to be stressed, depressed!!

Here is a poem I read somewhere by someone often helped with my melancholy.

I’ve seen castles made out of sand.

Met people who believed destiny is engraved in the palms of their hands..

I’ve seen people change their faith.

Experienced love changed into hate.

I’ve seen people grow younger with age.

And a bird who wouldn’t fly out of an open cage.

I’ve seen love sold for money.

People who are devastated inside, but outside they are funny.

I’ve seen unicorns fall in love with toads.

People who owned half the city, have now hit the road.

I have learnt to expect the unexpected.

Perfection doesn’t exist, we are all defected.

Everyone cries, some just hide their tears.

They say coal turns into diamond over a million years.

Someone believes, you are one in a million.

For others, you are just another nobody in a billion.

So live life with all that you have..

Cherish every moment, whether happy or sad…